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‘Tis the week for returning unwanted gifts. Unfortunately, NFL teams cannot return unwanted or unneeded quarterbacks for salary cap store credit. The best they can do is re-gift them or keep them around to clutter up the depth chart.

Here’s a rundown of some of the quarterbacks whose teams are carefully re-boxing them and pinning a receipt to their jerseys. Few of them will wind up in their ideal situation in 2017.

Matt Barkley

Where He Should Go: Right back to his role as either a mediocre third stringer or the most popular quarterback on the waiver wire.

Where He Will Go: Into the “skilled veteran backup” pool, because teams will pay far more for a quarterback with 12 interceptions in six games than for one with zero interceptions in zero games, for some reason.

   

Jay Cutler

Where He Should Go: Cutler would be the ultimate punishment for the Bills if they decide to part ways with Tyrod Taylor. They just need to be up front with head coaching candidates. Just so you know, we’re already making nutty roster decisions that will sabotage you from the day you walk in the door.

Where He Will Go: Dude has spent most of his career wearing a Future Jets Mistake T-shirt.

   

Ryan Fitzpatrick

Where He Should Go: To the media, where Fitzpatrick would shine as an intellectual-leaning bearded analyst for a forward-thinking outlet that tailors its content to millennial tastes. Wait, that sounds like my role at Bleacher Report. Abort! Abort!

Where He Will Go: Fitzpatrick would make a great mentor to Jared Goff in Los Angeles. Seriously! 

   

Jimmy Garoppolo

Where He Should Go: Back to New England to bide his time comfortably as the Prince Charles of quarterbacks.

Where He Will Go: The “Josh McDaniels Wants to Trade Second Round Pick for Garoppolo” headlines and articles have already been written. We’re just waiting to insert the proper team name.

  

Mike Glennon

Where He Should Go: Back to the depths of obscurity in which he dwelt before Adam Schefter’s report that some teams see him as a potential eight-figure salaried starter.

Where He Will Go: Back to the depths of obscurity, because any coach or GM who tries to float Glennon as a franchise savior will get slapped silly by his owner with a rolled-up Brock Osweiler poster.

   

Colin Kaepernick

Where He Should Go: To Seattle as Russell Wilson’s backup. His mobility and playoff experience will help the Seahawks, and his political activism won’t cause any mass boycotts in one of the nation’s bluest regions.

Where He Will Go: Somewhere where he will produce at least a five-to-one headline-to-highlight ratio. 

   

Tony Romo

Where He Should Go: Romo would be a great backup to Derek Carr with the Raiders, a team that needs an insurance-policy quarterback and actually has too much cap space for its own good.

Where He Will Go: The siren song of Denver will prove too great, and John Elway will look like a genius when Paxton Lynch prescotts the injured Romo in mid-September.

   

Trevor Siemian

Where He Should Go: Back to the bench, where his experience makes him an inexpensive, credible backup.

Where He Will Go: Back to the bench, only to reemerge in a few years as the Second Coming of Mike Glennon.



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